mommy :( miss you much much

  Few days ago (Last Wednesday) i got fever, still a bit dizzy now :( , anyway at the same time my mom went for a vacation to Vietnam, throughout these few days were terrible, the flu was like turn off and on, off and on. it made me feels so annoyed, at this very moment i really miss my mom taking care of me. If she was taking care of me these few days, i'm very sure this flu can't hold on to me, cause my mom's love to her children is too strong for them to resist :P

Feel so useless, when others are completing their sketches while i lie on the bed most of the time :(

Jealousy....

Life is always chained with sins, among all sins jealousy is the most common sin and yet that because it is so common, that showed you how powerful and deadly this sin is. My life had never leave jealousy, dissatisfaction of my current life always the main cause of jealousy, whether it's in the content of academic, physically, mentally, wealth or maybe relationship with others. When you wish that you are as good as others or even better than them, then you are conducting jealousy. But for relationship, it's kinda complicated (to me), through jealousy i know that i'm in love, through jealousy i know i hadn't give up/let go of this relationship, through jealousy i continue to press a knife deeper and deeper into my heart while putting a mask of a jester, only until the day i get numb of this pain, then i will be able to move on, but when the day comes, the wound that place on my heart will be so deep, deep enough to place a scar on it. I wonder if there is a way to pull the knife out before i were to press it deeper and deeper....

Friends??? who??

Who could probably be there for me when i needed someone, when i'm shedding tears, who? who is there? i don't know i can't tell, for a moment when i'm friendly and joy, people come around me, i thought i have a lot of friends, when i'm depress and being quiet, you all leave me all alone, seeing you all enjoying yourself, why? why do i even bother to care about all this, isn't things just started with me alone, why do i bother to make friends??? why do i seems to be invincible when i'm quiet, does anyone think of me?? or am i contagious?? you alll afraid of being infected by loneliness?? Why???? why do i even know them at the first place, if i know joy is the priority, why???????? who??? Who??? .......who is free To hear me out??? who... please don't tell me you care when you don't really care....

I'm annoying right?? have you been annoyed by me???

Time....

Time passed really fast, everyday was like restless, to find a time to sit beside the lake alone just like last time is really hard but i'm doing it now anyway, i sitll remember i had made promise to myself that i shall finish my work on time during sem 2 but things just screwed up, i fell for temptation, i lost my self-control, i tried to stop myself from doing worthless things but it was never a success, sometimes i just wish that someone will be there to listen to me, keep an eye on me and walk through this path with me, but i can never find anyone that wiling to spend this lots of time with me. Maybe it's because i always have the tendency to put on a mask in front of others, probably that's the cause of my emotional breakdown but most of the time it happened when i'm alone, beside i have a fast recovery from it and put on the mask again.

That's my Life, how fake I am...

Holiday Update!

Of course i'm not just going to talk about Vanilla Latte, here's a little update of how's my holiday. The most fruitful part was i went for a Retreat Church Camp at Chefoo 祈福. I really like the cooling weather there, furthermore i was really happy and surprise to see Nathalie. She came back from New Zealand last weekend but i skipped church for Rock Climbing, so yeah "In your face, Joseph" said Joseph. Well, this camp ain't that fun though, it was the time that you reflect on your life. We do a Timeline for our life since we born, truly i can tell you that my life really terrible with all the sins and unholy things that i have done. But that's not the most important part, the important part is... have you truly repent from all these sins and unholy things you did? have you let go of the bitter part of your life or you still hanging on to it? These are really terrible questions to ask because they make me realize i'm standing at the edge of the cliff and if i'm not changing the life that i'm living now, it's equal to taking the last step down to death. But i'm really grateful that i have two pastors here to guide us through this path. One important thing that i learnt was 'Don't be shy to confess your sins, for it is not an embarrass act but a brave act.' But i think the best part of this camp was when Nat gave me a hug after the last session and she said to me "Jochee, you must always remember that we all love you, alright?" It was really touching to hear something like this, only people who truly loves you will say this to you after they knew the bad part of your life because they believe that you will change. It is really a lovely encouragement for me to turn away from my past.

Chefoo's Guest House

Memories to be taste...

Have you wonder memories have tastes? I do think they have tastes and their taste are more than just sweet and bitter. Now that i'm writing this post at The Coffee Bean, i'm actually tasting the part of my memory when Nollie made me a Vanilla Latte at The Coffee Bean at 1U. I do get to taste back the same taste even though i'm now at a different The Coffee Bean's outlet because the key of this memory is not only the place, the Vanilla Latte is another key to this memory. The moment i tasted the Vanilla Latte here, i realize it's different from the one Nollie made for me because i remember the sweetness of the Vanilla Latte that was filled with Love. So it's kinda obvious that this memory tasted like a Lovely Vanilla Latte.

Sunday...

This was written in my phone yesterday

Today is Sunday, early in the morning I'm alreay in campus, but even with many friends around me, a Sunday without going church makes me feel empty. Such hypocrite i am, knowing that i should be at church  today but i chose to go for club activity instead. Although how exciting the activity could be, my heart won't be there to enjoy it, at this moment, all my heart felt was guilt and longing for the forgiveness from the others. Hours and hours had passed, looking at the time and thinking what's happening in church is all i could do. Checking the phone frequently, hoping that someone realized i'm not there and give me a call or text me. But time passed like a knife stabbed into my heart, every minute that passed makes the knife stab deeper and deeper into my heart when i see there isn't any call or message.